i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
