Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
