My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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