im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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