This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
