peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How does it feel to date your dad?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
