I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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