I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
