Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
