I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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