Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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