Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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