Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
