Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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