A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
