I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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