yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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