I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
