if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
