It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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