Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
