I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
