i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
