Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
