why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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