dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
