he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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