we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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