I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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