My sheets look like a crime scene.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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