Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
