just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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