Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You were trust falling into bushes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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