I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
