i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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