Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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