I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
