i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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