Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
