I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
