Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
