i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
