my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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