My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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