I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
