I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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