im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
