I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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