there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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