im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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