Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
