ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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