I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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