why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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