My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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